Please Don’t Visit Me at My RiNo Denver Loft

Want to visit my RiNo Denver loft? It’s super easy. Just follow these 25 super simple steps. (Printing these steps makes it even super easier!)

1. Drive, cab, bike, or walk to Fire Clay Lofts.
2. Park if you drove, cabbed, or biked. Do not park if you walked.
3. Approach the fortress-like metal gate out front.
4. Try to make sense of the big professionally printed sign with conflicting information about how to enter said fortress.
5. Home in on the part of the professionally printed sign that says you should enter right here.
6. Scan the directory on the gate for my name.
7. Give up trying to find my name after 10 or so minutes pass.
8. Home in on the part of the professionally printed sign that says you should enter elsewhere.
9. Walk over to the fortress-like metal gate to the left.
10. Repeat steps 4-8.
11. Wander around. Take in the surroundings. Check out the kung fu studio and the Union Pacific train rolling into town. Wave your arms frantically at the driver heading the wrong way on the one-way street. Salute the construction workers who have stopped work to place a bet on whether or not you’ll get in.
12. Locate what you think, God willing, may be the correct fortress-like metal gate.
13. Scan the directory on the gate for my name.
14. Press 3 to run through all of the names from A-Z.
15. Start over from A-Z.
16. Press 6 to run through the names from Z-A.
17. Start over from Z-A.
18. Land on a line of squares that appears amid the list of actual names.
19. Realize that this line of squares must certainly be the Etruscan-era Hellenic translation of “C. DAUGHTERS” (Lingua Populus Doofus Clayloftius).
20. Press # to dial my number.
21. Wait for me to buzz you through.
22. Flag down the construction workers and bet against your own successful entry.
23. Call 9-1-1 to report the car accident you just witnessed when another directionally challenged driver hit a car head on.
24. Dial my cell phone and ask me to fetch you from the front gate.
25. Wait for me to come downstairs to let you in.

Next thing you know, you’re inside my RiNo Denver loft. Easy peasy.