An introduction to Sharon Stoneland, Juliaworld, and other places that are probably delightful to visit so long as you have an endless supply of cocktails.
Let’s Start with Sharon Stoneland
When Academy Award and Golden Globe winners take the stage, they have approximately sixty seconds to deliver borderline-inarticulate thank yous to everyone they’ve ever met, including wife #5, their agent, their lawyer, their accountant, the man who manicures their lawn, and the woman who manicures their nails. Overstay your welcome, and the orchestra will drown out your words. Refuse to leave the stage, and the producers will cut to a commercial.
Award presenters, however, are given full reign to languish on camera as long as they like. I like to call this languishing on camera “Juliaworld.” Case in point: Sharon Stone, who hasn’t made a movie in approximately 14 years, is inexplicably chosen each year to set up camp onstage in order to present an award to an actor who is actually deserving of international renown.
Her routine goes something like this …
Upon arriving at the podium, Stone shares a Mona Lisa smile with the captive audience, a clever attempt to disguise the fact that the blackmail photos of the Hollywood Foreign Press in her possession have given her a lifetime pass to events she should be relegated to watching from a 20” black-and-white TV in a neighborhood dive bar. Stone obliges the audience to bask in her formidable glory for 5-6 eye-gouging minutes before condescending to read seductively from the teleprompter. She is sometimes paired with another actor, though the poor sap assigned to Stone duty is seemingly required to join her onstage in an “impromptu” lindy hop. It is the dance of the desperate, a tangolicious cry for help that can be loosely translated as follows: “The audience adores me! I’m youthful, spontaneous, and fun! For God’s sakes, will someone please hire me?”
When the award recipient makes the ill-considered decision of actually joining Stone onstage, she forces the unsuspecting individual to foxtrot with her in an apparent attempt to make her co-presenter jealous. (“You don’t own me, co-presenter—I belong to the world!”) As the winner approaches the microphone, Stone steals his thunder and wraps it around herself like a mink stole. Strapping herself to the awardee like an emergency parachute, our A-list appendage periodically pokes, hugs, tickles, and kisses the by-now abject winner, thus ensuring her simpering face will appear in every single one of the 8,552 photos that capture his triumph.
Recently, Stone was asked to pay tribute to Michael Douglas, the recipient of an award for lifetime achievement. Rather than praise Douglas for his professional accomplishments, Stone instead launched into a 10-minute self-aggrandizing infomercial. An abridged version of her homily went something like this: “Michael helped to make me the gorgeous, successful, fabulous actor I am today. Without Michael, I might not be on this stage reminding you about how I truly belong on this stage. For God’s sakes, will someone PLEASE hire me?”
Welcome to Juliaworld
Not unexpectedly, Stone isn’t the only self-important star to grace the stage. A zillion years back, Julia Roberts arrived on stage to announce the Oscar for Best Actor. Blinding the audience with a truckload of Juliateeth, she Juliagiggled, “I’ve got to tell everyone that I just kissed Sidney Poitier!”
Mrs. Poitier was undoubtedly thrilled to hear it.
Eventually, Roberts got around to naming the nominees and then tore open the envelope. “Oh my God!” she screamed, “I LOVE my life. I LOVE my life! The winner is DENZEL!” Ostensibly there to announce the winner of one of the most important awards of the night, Roberts deftly turned the tables. My life! The life I love! Everything’s coming up roses for me, me, me, me!
Denzel Washington jogged up to the stage, while Roberts screamed, “I love you! I absolutely LOVE you!”
Mrs. Washington was undoubtedly thrilled to hear it.
While Roberts attempted to perch atop him, Washington somehow mustered the strength to deliver a dignified acceptance speech. Afterwards, Roberts took his impending exit as her cue to Juliaglue herself to him, thus compelling Washington to wear her backstage like a warm winter tooth-filled Juliacoat.
The Juliaworld must be a glorious place indeed.
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