A Denver barista takes on Michael Palin in a head-to-head cheese shop contest. The story involves post-consumer fiber, so it’s a highly educational, gratifying read.
Yesterday morning I grabbed a cup of coffee near the studio where I work. While I don’t fuel up like Balzac, I do need my morning Joe.
C: I’d like a large coffee, please.
Denver Barista: Dark roast or medium roast?
C: Dark. With room for cream.
Barista: Dark roast isn’t done brewing yet.
C: Medium roast then.
Barista: Medium roast isn’t done brewing yet.
C: I’ll take whatever’s done brewing.
Barista: Nothing’s done brewing.
C: In that case, how about a little red Leicester?
Barista: Huh?
C: Rock on with your bad self.
[Five enjoyable minutes pass while C and the barista jointly monitor the brewing process.]
Barista: Here’s a cup of medium roast.
C: I’d still prefer dark roast.
Barista: You said you wanted medium roast.
C: You have amazing recall. If I may, I need room for cream.
Barista: Shoot. I wish you had said so.
[The Denver barista pours some coffee out of the cup. Traumatized, the cup collapses upon itself and dies. The barista pours the remaining coffee into a new cup and cradles the cup like a baby bird found abandoned in the forest. It’s possible baby birds are called nestlings, though it’s also possible they’re no longer nestlings once they’re abandoned in the forest, sans nest. Linguistically undeterred, C takes the new cup, which promptly collapses upon itself and dies.]
Barista: Shoot. Post-consumer fiber. It’s a great material, just not very sturdy. And liquid often seeps through it.
C: Yes, it has a lot going for it, barring the flimsiness and the leaking. They should make plates out of it as well.
Barista: They do make plates out of it. We have some.
[The Denver barista transfers the remaining coffee into a third cup and gently sets the nestling/baby bird/fledgling in front of C, who looks at it from afar and speaks to it in soothing tones it so as to not anger it.]
C: May I have some cream?
Barista: Not today, unfortunately. We’re waiting on a delivery.
C: You have milk on the counter beside you.
Barista: That’s for lattes and mochas.
C: Do you have Stilton? Ementhal? Gruyere? Any Norweigan Jarlsburg?
Barista: Huh?
C: I’d like a mocha. Minus the coffee and the chocolate.
Barista: What size mocha?
C: Whatever size is free and chock full of cream. I’d also like some Splenda.
Barista: We don’t carry artificial sweeteners. I do have some pear-based sorbitol you can try. It makes some people sick to their stomachs, but for the most part I’ve heard it’s fine.
C: I find you fascinating.
Barista: I get that a lot.
