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I Only Look High Maintenance

i only look high maintenance -
Fridge Items

I’m low maintenance. I only look high maintenance. My pantry holds roughly 15 items. My one shelf in the fridge holds an additional 15 items.

And that’s it.

Pantry Items


Here in Mount Rainier, Maryland, I went grocery shopping with Anne and Xinxin. We parted ways in Giant and met up 30 minutes later. It took me exactly 14 minutes to finish shopping. I hung out at the front of the store and texted people while I waited for them to finish.


That 14 minutes included checkout time. Everything I bought fit neatly into one cloth sack.

I finished shopping in exactly 14 minutes because I knew exactly what to buy, no list required. It’s the exact same stuff I eat in Denver. Spinach, tomatoes, eggs, fruit, tuna, almond milk, creamer, cereal, yogurt. A couple pieces of fruit, including frozen blueberries. Coffee in bulk.

Fascinating, non?


I don’t think I like your attitude.

You’re probably just jealous that I have less in my fridge and pantry than you. Or maybe I’m secretly jealous because you surely have more. It could go either way I guess.

As I say, I only look high maintenance. Although, talking to me for any extended period of time may make your head explode. I have a lot to say on almost any subject, and I’m delighted by minutiae, quirks, eccentricities, and incongruities, as well as as patterns, habits, and tics. I don’t like to go with the flow. (For example, I think most Tom Hanks’ movies, especially Forrest Gump, are stupid. Tell someone — anyone — that you don’t like Forrest Gump, and they’ll lose their minds. Try it.)

I’m also comfortable during extended periods of silence. I like to people watch. And people listen. I can debate simple things ad nauseum until the person I’m talking to wants flee the room for his or her own protection.

Okay. Maybe I am high maintenance. But not when it comes to my pantry. Or food and drink more generally. I’ll dine anywhere. And I’ll drink anywhere so long as they’re serving beer, wine, cider, or liquor. Except Macallan scotch whiskey. And I finish my grocery shopping in 14 minutes flat. Now, how low maintenance is that?

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