A mostly true story about an email replication crisis, the Patterson Bigfoot, the man in black, and an Apple Wunderkind who doesn’t find me funny.
I had all sorts of plans for today’s post. I was going to write about textbook analyses of the Patterson Bigfoot in the Arizona school system. Or building my new digital marketing course. Or figure out how to make my own rock and rye. Or find more things to give away. I gave away 18 more of my belongings this month. Soon I’ll own just a few bikes, a thousand or so books, two crappy laptops, and the clothes on my back. Better learn to love my current outfit, people. It’s here to stay.
But no. I’m not hitting those topics today. Today is reserved for a discussion of an email replication crisis I’m experiencing.
See, last night I had 20 emails in my inbox. Just 20? That’s amazing, right? Well I clean out that sucker daily (reply, file, delete, rinse, repeat). Anyhow, I booted up my laptop this a.m. and found 40 emails. Then five minutes later, 80 emails. Then five minutes later, 160. Then 320. Then … listen, I’ve already impressed you with my math skills. You don’t need any more of my humblebragging.
I called my web host, and they told me to call Apple Support, which I did. The wunderkind on the line graciously informed me that I no longer have an Apple support plan. Would I like to purchase one? Yes! I’d like to pay by credit card. It’s owned by the man in black, number 4-8-15-16-23-42, security code 911, expiration date never. (Now that you have my digits, don’t be charging shit on my card, people.)
Well, the wunderkind didn’t find me funny. At all. (It happens more frequently than I’d like to admit.) Thing is, he would know whether or not I’m funny. He is, after all a Genius.
I apologized to the wunderkind and vowed to up the humor ante in the future. At his behest, I rebooted my machine and opened my inbox. Which now contains 5,000 emails.
All of this is by way of explaining why I’m going to spend my day not replying to your email. Assuming you emailed me, of course. If you didn’t email me and aren’t awaiting a response, you probably didn’t need to slog through this entire post. My bad.
On a related note, did you know you can stream Lost on Hulu? The Genius knew that, but then he knows everything. Except, of course, how to run an imaginary credit card and empty my inbox.
