Don’t Tow My Car (and Other Stories)

Rules to live by: Don’t tow my car. Or tow my friends’ cars. Or assault my friends. And for God’s sake, stop stealing my bikes.

This past weekend, I …

1. Received formal notice from my HOA that I must put plastic orange ties on all of my bikes by Friday night or the bike locks will be cut and the bikes will be given to charity.
2. Asked the HOA for plastic orange ties. Unfortunately, the HOA had run out. “You’ll need to move the bikes inside your loft so we don’t give them away,” the HOA said. “No need,” I said. “After the I win my lawsuit I’ll have enough money to buy even better bikes.”
3. Located a pile of plastic orange ties in the community trash room and wrapped them around my bikes. (It looks hot, I’m not gonna lie.)
4. Watched the bartender at Great Divide pour out my beer because he wasn’t convinced my drinking companion was over 21 and thus old enough to sip from it.
5. Fended off the advances of a creepy guy at Great Divide who was a little too fascinated by my friend’s earrings and my drinking habits.
6. Made some poor guy climb three levels of stairs to get my signature on a petition so Noah Price can open what is sure to be a fabulous RiNo restaurant, The Populist (3163 Larimer).
7. Saw the hilarious Adam Cayton-Holland and Ben Roy at Gr@wlix (Bug Theater), along with a comic who had a drunken meltdown onstage.
8. Toured the lovely Kirkland Museum and saved my friend from a dying squirrel.
9. Hosted a superfun housewarming with fabulous company, amazing gifts, and the best beer brats ever.
10. Prepared to head to Mile High Spirits, prompting my friends to don wigs, feather boas, and yellow caution tape.
11. Watched in horror as one friend’s car was towed and another friend’s car was almost towed from an empty, unrestricted, unsigned lot across the street at 3120 Blake. (“Don’t tow my car,” my friend screamed as she watched her car being hauled away.)
12. Watched in double-horror as one friend was assaulted by the tow truck dudes.
13. Watched in triple-horror as the police arrived to sort out the melee.
14. Met several neighbors the following day. (“You look familiar. Are you the girl who had the party with all the fighting and the cop cars?”)
15. Scraped blue off my dining room walls (frosting? a Smurf explosion?)
16. Received a notice from UPS that in the future I must pick up packages from 3120 Blake Street, as my address doesn’t exist in their records. Yes, I’m serious. And, yes, 3120 Blake Street is the same address with the fighting and the towing and the police presence.
17. Received a formal notice from my HOA that, ties or no ties, I must remove the three bikes I keep in my parking space, as several residents with far too much time on their hands have expressed concern that I’m keeping bikes in a space obviously intended for a car. What they should be concerned about are the constant bike thefts happening in our community.
18. Slept like a rock on Sunday night. All play and no work makes Carolyn sleepy.