Ricky Gervais hates Hollywood. David Fincher hates Meryl Streep. Madonna hates grammar (and Kelsey Grammer). Sofia Vergara hates Coke. And Tilda Swinton is the coolest.
I sat through the whole 69th Golden Globe Awards. But then I’m an awards show junkie. I haven’t been to a movie in like a year and I don’t watch TV, yet I’m addicted to awards shows. There’s no explaining it.
The Hollywood Hates Ricky Gervais Award
The award goes to … Ricky Gervais! Every time he appeared on stage, the audience snarled. Turns out he’s not as respectful toward the Hollywood elite as the Hollywood elite would like. It’s all quite tragic when you think about it. Something akin to a Shakespeare play.
The Isn’t Frasier in Reruns? Award
Kelsey Grammer won best actor (TV drama) for something called Boss, then thanked the newest of his new wives for a magnificent year. Quite an ominous statement, what with day 366 usually signaling marital downfall in the Grammer household.
The Every Other Actress in the World Sucks Award
Meryl Streep won. Again. And (surprise!) she was surprised (surprise!) by her win, a win (surprise!) predicted by movie critics and Hollywood insiders and Vegas bookies alike. “What? I won? Me? It’s not possible …” Next year I hope she’s nominated for this stage performance.
The David Fincher Doesn’t Play Well with Others Award
While accepting her award for Best Actress, Meryl Streep said she forgot her glasses and would have to give her speech from memory. Harvey Weinstein grabbed the specs and handed them to George Clooney who gave them to director David Fincher. And David Fincher? He held onto them instead of passing them to the only actress in the world who doesn’t suck. High five, DF.
The Get Over Yourselves Already Award
Brad and George like each other. They really really like each other. “Let’s film Oceans 14 just so we can hang out more!” George and Angelina don’t seem to like each other though. At all.
The Diet Pepsi Is Fun Award
Accepting Modern Family’s award for best comedy, Sofia Vergara spoke in Spanish with Executive Producer Steven Levitan providing awesome translations. Sofia rocks, and the 400 Diet Pepsi commercials shown throughout the night were cute too. Diet Pepsi? That still sucks though.
The Tilda Swinton Rocked It Award
One day I want to be as cool as Tilda Swinton. And screw all the fashion and “news” mags who say she’s in the running for worst dressed and worst hair. What in the world?
The I’ve Mastered Good Grammar Award
I’m talking about mastering grammar, not Kelsey Grammer.
Now, Madonna won Best Original Song for a song that sounds exactly like all the rest of her songs. Turns out Madonna wrote the song for some film she directed. Even Madonna was shocked by the win. “What? I won an award for this crappy film?” She bounced back, though, describing the backbreaking artistic effort underlying her directorial efforts in said crappy film. Her rambling became bearable only when she corrected her own grammar. Who, whom, who … gah, it is so hard being Madonna!
The Real-Life Couples That Rock Award
Real-life couple Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy sang their presentation. Love this.