The Mike-Like End to the Mini Cooper Ordeal

The Mini Cooper ordeal continues until such time as Hamlet’s three witches decide to exit stage left and the lunacy comes to a complete halt.

Let me pick up where I left off.

Recently, Mini has been rattling like mad, and I couldn’t figure out why for the life of me. A few weeks back, I drove my friends Debbie and Mg here and there, and both were impressed by the sounds of impending explosion coming from Mini’s underbelly.

Debbie: Pull over. Park the car.

C: I’m sure everything’s fine.

Debbie: Sweet baby Jesus, stop driving!

So I parked, and we got out and looked at the car from a distance.

Mg: It’s rattling cause some engine part is dragging from the undercarriage. You can see it.

C: You can?

Mg: Yes. There under the car. It’s plainly visible. We’re both looking at it right now.

C: We are?

Mg: Yes.

I finally got around to taking Mini back to the body shop on Wednesday. Shari, the Receptionist, eyed me warily, then yelled for Eric, the Auto Body Guy, telling him Mini and I were back. Eric cursed audibly in the back room, then greeted me in the front office.

Eric: God help me, I hope this a social visit.

C: If only. Mini’s come undone. I need you to tuck the loose stuff back into the main stuff. Metaphorically speaking.

Eric: It’s not a metaphor just because you lack the right vocabulary.

C: Vocabularically speaking then.

[Eric looks the car over while I find a plate of cookies in the kitchen, eat one, and stuff several others into my bag. When I turn around, I see Eric is behind me.]

Eric: Shari baked those cookies. It’s my birthday.

C: They taste just as awesome as birthday cookies should.

Eric: Uh huh. Well, here’s the thing, C. We might be able to fix Mini. But probably not. See, it’s a Mini Cooper, and I’m not one of the four people on the planet who knows how to fix it.

C: I’ll take it to the dealership then. What do you think tucking in the loose stuff will run me?

Eric: Vocabularically speaking, if I had to guess, I’d say it needs at least $2,000 of work. I know you love Mini, but this car’s a pain in the ass.

C: I do love her. But I agree. I think she’s karmically jinxed. By the way, is that a birthday cake I see on the corner table? Any chance Shari had a hand in that?

[Eric wraps a piece of cake in foil and sends me on my way.]

Here’s what I did. I drove straight to the dealership and sold Mini right back to the dealer. The way my friend Mike bought his car is the way I returned mine.

Just like that.

Hence the Mike-like end to the Mini Cooper ordeal.