I’m at Kramers Kramerbooks Cafe. Or whatever it’s called. The staff usher people out the door as part of their “fewer patrons, happier employees” policy, I reflect upon my own top 5 areas for personal improvement:
- Speak up more. Find the courage. Rock it out.
- Stop dressing like it’s 10 degrees outside. It’s going to be 72 today for Chrissakes.
- Eat something—anything—before going to happy hour.
- Nix the alcohol-induced volunteer signups.
- Drink at least one glass of water a day, thus improving my hydration 100%.
Kramers Kramerbooks Cafe Employee and Patron Rules to Live By
Since we’re on the subject of improvement, I thought I would also share some tips for Kramers Kramerbooks employees and patrons:
- Shut the door when you use the bathroom. Fewer people will walk in on you that way.
- Ask if you want to use one of the electrical outlets near where I’m sitting. Don’t loudly complain to your friend that “that girl” is hogging all the outlets. Piss off that girl, and she might not give you an outlet and might write about the experience in her blog.
- Encourage reading and journaling in the Kramers Kramerbooks cafe. You know, because it’s a cafe located in a bookstore. This encouragement might involve the sharing of the Wi-Fi code and a half-hearted smile when a financial transaction is in progress. It might also include less brow furrowing and fewer questions about how long patrons plan to sit at a table in a half-empty cafe.
- Don’t fling your cup at the barista because you’re angry at your girlfriend, who you’ve just publicly referred to as, “yo, bitch.” And don’t throw your elbow two inches from my face and mumble shit at me as you walk past because I gave you my “you’re a piece of shit” look. My courage being limited at present (see top 5 areas for personal improvement), I’ve said and done nothing to earn your anger. The facts that (a) you’re male and (b) much larger than I am factor in here, not to mention the fact that you have two big friends with you. If your tough guy stance extends only to solo women like your girlfriend and me instead of to groups of guys your own size, you really need to step up your game.
