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Bad Equilibrium (the Wall Handstand)

bad equilibrium -

I have bad equilibrium, which is why I’ve been mastering the wall handstand. But I’m going to do a regular handstand. I’m not giving up.

Yesterday I did everything possible to injure myself by attempting to do handstands all over the rec area of my  local gym. It’s like a kids’ playroom in there. At least when I’m present.

“You need a spotter?”

That’s what fourteen, maybe fifteen, people asked me.

“Nope, all good here,” I said.

“Are you trying to do a handstand?” the fourteen, maybe fifteen, people asked.


“You sure?”


“Cause it kind of looks like you’re trying to do a cartwheel.”


“It also kind of looks like a donkey kick.”


“Or the worst-executed somersault ever.”

“That’s enough out of all fourteen, maybe fifteen, of you.”

It turns out that handstands require balance and upper-body strength. Who knew? Now, my arms are strong, but they could definitely be stronger. Balance, however, is an even bigger issue for me since I have bad equilibrium. Which in my case has nothing to do with crappy governments offering few and low-quality public services that in turn prompt citizens to say, “Screw the government, I’ll just get my cousin Jethro to perform my heart-valve replacement surgery after he finishes fashioning a driver’s license from a deconstructed dixie cup and certifying the Madcowlessness of that rump roast we’re having for dinner.”

In short, I’ve been known to topple over on occasion, an occurrence that has very little to do with collective high-five acceptance of strategies with undesirable outcomes and very much to do with my tendency to bump into and trip over things.

So I’ve been mastering the wall handstand. But I’m not giving up. I’m going to do a regular, god-blessed handstand, all me and no wall. For real.

2 Responses

  1. 🙂 Very funny. Your style here reminds me of Tim Dorsey. He writes comedic novels about a serial killer named Serge Storms.

    Good luck with the handstand!

  2. Thank you! Never heard of Tim Dorsey. Just hit him up online. Looking forward to reading some of his stuff. Also … no progress on the handstand …

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