C a r o l y n D a u g h t e r s

My neighbor has two dogs, both Golden Retrieverish looking. One’s got curly hair. They’re so stinking cute. Especially the one with the perm. I call him Gordon Lightfoot.

Whenever I’m out on my balcony, they scramble outside and stare at me. When I go in, they go in. I’ve even darted in and out just to watch them bound in and out of their home next door.

After much thought and reflection, I’ve decided to steal Gordon Lightfoot. I realize there are several issues I’ll need to address, most of them having to do with hiding Gordon Lightfoot in my 850-square-foot home and taking Gordon Lightfoot on walks around the hood while keeping my knowledge of his whereabouts under wraps. Lost dog? Sorry. Haven’t seen him.

“And don’t forget the moral/ethical issues,” a friend of mine said yesterday. (For purposes of identity protection, I’ll call her “Sally.”)

“He’s bored and lonely,” I said. “Stealing him is the most moral/ethical thing I can do.”

“I’m not sure you understand what ‘moral/ethical’ means.”

“I plan to use my ignorance in that regard as my defense if I’m caught.”

“Why not just get a dog from a shelter?”

“Because then I’d have two dogs. Going from 0 to 2 dogs in one shot is a lot to ask.”

“I mean you should get one dog. From the shelter. Leave Gordon Lightfoot alone.”

“But …”

“If I hear one more word about Gordon Lightfoot, I’m going to steal Gordon Lightfoot myself just to prevent you from stealing him.”

“I wouldn’t if I were you. You’ve already demonstrated that you understand the definition of ‘moral/ethical,’ so you’ll be screwed if you’re caught.”

“You’re killing me.”