Being Fired from a Hypothetical Press Secretary Job
Press secretaries are awesome. I know cause I’ve been watching season 1 of The West Wing. C. J. Cregg has a fab relationship with the press, especially Danny Concannon, her future husband (backend spoiler alert in case you’re 9 years behind on your Tivo). Plus she has an energetic, orthographically challenged assistant and geeksmart coworkers who all know what “orthographically” means. Not only does she kick asses and take names, but she also puts her personal life on hold for civic-minded work that matters. For point of contrast, I sometimes feel I’ve put my life on hold to attend 942 meetings, fill out timesheets, and play email catchup.
Samuel Schimek: Stop citing random numbers like 942.
Carolyn: Fine. I’ve put my life on hold to attend 1776 meetings.
Samuel: I said stop citing random numbers.
Carolyn: Um, 1776 is the year the Declaration of Independence was signed. Ever heard of it?
Samuel: Just stop.
Samuel: Boogerhead? Is that the best you can do?
Carolyn: How’s this — you’re the equivalent of 942 boogerheads.
Samuel: I guess that’s better than my being the equivalent of 1776 boogerheads.
Carolyn: Belittling the Declaration of Independence may damage your future political career.
Samuel: I don’t think anyone who’s reading this understands what you’re saying.
Carolyn: That’s exactly why I’m going to be so good at my hypothetical future job.
As I was trying to say before I was interrupted 942 times, I’d hypothetically make a great press secretary. And guess what? Hypothetical future employment is the best kind of employment. Sky’s the limit. For example, one day Samuel will hypothetically be elected Denver Mayor.
Samuel: Whoa, so I went from boogerhead to Mayor? That’s a serious promotion.
Carolyn: You deserve it because of your entrepreneurial “Denver Rocks” power to the people civic sensibility. That’s also where the Declaration of Independence comes into the equation.
Samuel: I’m going to ignore the parts of what you’re saying that make no sense and focus on the good stuff. You really think I’ll be Denver Mayor one day? That’s awesome!
Carolyn: I know, right? And the best part is that when you’re Mayor I’ll be your press secretary.
Carolyn: Did you hear what I said?
Carolyn: You seem less excited than before.
Carolyn: You’re not sure you’ll be Denver Mayor one day?
Samuel: It’s not that. It’s just that I don’t think you’ll be my press secretary.
Carolyn: What? Are you firing me?
Samuel: Technically I can’t fire you since I’m pretty sure I’ll never hire you in the first place.
Carolyn: Without my skills in linguistic contortion you’ll be in serious political trouble, Mr. Mayor!
Samuel: I’ll take my chances.